Damn! In just a few seconds this post went on a totally different direction. I tell ya, I’m not a religious person but that’s The Big Kahuna talking. In a snap, He just managed to make me chuckle and drag my thoughts a little bit to the gutter—that last bit is totally my fault.
I was thinking about the stuff I can’t avoid feeling no matter how hard I try. The bitterness, resentment, and anger I do my best to avoid feeling toward certain people. No amount of self-talk and rationalization can wash off that reaction to their general “ickiness.” Unfortunately, with some of them, I have yet to cut ties permanently—still working on it. All I can do is keep trying even when most times it feels as useful as Sisyphus rolling that boulder up the hill.
I wonder when I can get to the point where I’ll be okay or at the very least, indifferent. Where I don’t dream of a front row seat to their comeuppance and occasionally daydream revenge scenarios—I admit, this one is a pleasurable pastime. I feel like it’s a double whammy to lose out to my anger or bitterness or whatever I feel whenever I have to interact with these people—heck, even thinking about them is sometimes enough to to make me feel bad.
I really have to find a way to leave this behind. It’s too much baggage to lug around. It’s not even baggage worth saving, it’s basically just trash that ought to be burned. I’m truly looking forward to the time when the business end of things have been taken care of. All this can go up in a pile of ash and smoke.