Everyday Uncommon

Failure to connect

A heavy heart, not conducive to sleep.

Here I was, thinking I actually would feel better today. I finally have backup. Someone’s here to hear me out who knows about the situation, has the background all clear. True. I forgot one important detail, I’m an afterthought. I’m tolerated, someone put up with but not really prioritized. They get tired of my whine.  So, too bad for me if I’m in the shit.

I know I’m no picnic; especially these days.  Hell, I’d be wearing a warning sign if I thought it would help. I don’t know if it’s too bad for me or the other person that her face was so transparent. A split second reaction crossed her face, that’s all it took. It was like a knife in the heart. Each time, it makes me think of my value to people. I’m only important as far as I am useful—when I can perform a service. I’m sure they never see it this way but it sure is how I feel  quite often.

I’m always here, always available. I wonder what it will be like when I’m not. In as much as I like being around my family, I imagine being gone. Either living away or dead. Going away seems more like punishing myself as well as them but maybe not. As for death, sometimes I just feel tired. I fail to see the point of the struggle. I’m obviously not successful at making a connection, not even with my own. I’m not suicidal. My thoughts just have a morbidly curious bent.

On the upside, I don’t feel angry, just sad.

Not really sure that’s an upside.


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